fed up

I shouldn't be made to feel this way.  I'm an extremely confident person and I refuse to allow you to chip away at me.  Keep your ideals of beauty, health, and fitness to yourself because I can honestly say I am happy with the way I am now.

No - I don't need to squat more.

No - I don't need to cut back on junk food.

No - I'm not going to eat myself to obesity.

If that's the kind of person you think I am, then you seriously don't know me at all.  The simple fact that you're trying to take away something that makes me happy and associate it negatively, is not okay and I won't stick around for it to continue.

Maybe for once, stop centralising purely on my appearance because at the end of the day, I won't even be around for you to comment on me if you keep at this.  Just think about what you're really saying to me and constantly pushing onto me.

I'm still young, I should be able to eat whatever and whenever I want.  There is time to eat healthier when I actually get older - or when I'm dead.  But for now, let me enjoy the food I love and don't make me feel guilty for it.

I really don't ask for much - I just want to eat in peace.

hero

Safety blanket.  It's what people use when they're feeling scared, uneasy, uncomfortable, and most importantly - vulnerable.  We each have something or someone to turn to in these situations.  It - or they - provide you with a sense of security and comfort.  I don't consider myself as someone who is easily afraid or vulnerable, at least not really.  But the recent rise of insecurities that has been cast upon me has forced me to deal with and utilise what I thought was my safety blanket.  I had always thought that in a glum moment and even fear, that regardless of the time or situation, my heightened emotions could be soothed by this apparatus.  Simply put, that is not the case.  As I have always thought and believed - and even tried to change - at the end of the day, the only person I can rely on and believe to help push through anything scary is myself.  My mind is strong enough to overcome any obstacle that my thoughts introduce and it is my own duty to eradicate these fears.  

Relying on anything or anyone else is embarrassingly futile.  

absence of light

Life is good - except for the times when it's not.  This new feeling is like untravelled ground.  Some days it chooses to behave and remain at bay, though other times it unleashes a wrathful storm that consumes me for days.  Although this has been a recent establishment, my fear is peaking and I'm trying my best to reel it in.  Dark thoughts come and go in fleeting moments.  All I can say is this is not me - I have never been one to host these sorts of emotions and all I ask is to return to my naive, mirthful self.

is it unrealistic ?

I've become so invested in this that I can't fathom its failure.  My mind has become programmed to the thought that this will last, and I'm unsure if it's because I really want it, or I just need it.  This situation can only end one of two ways, and I've only allowed my thoughts to orbit the positive outcome.  I honestly have no doubts in my recent choices and things have never been better - but I need to stop fooling my naive self and contemplate the less favourable road.  What if ?  What if something changes -because people change and situations arise -  where everything we have discussed and idealised about becomes redundant ?  

I am way past the optimism, and maybe even the pessimism, but realism hasn't helped me in any way.  Yes I'm beginning to gain greater perspective in most things and I've learned to appreciate my surroundings, but what's the point if one day - in an undetermined future - it all ends ?  There is no way I'm ready to even begin to gear up those thoughts again, but the seed has unfortunately been planted.  And unless there is a stronger force that can weed out this negativity, it is only going to grow - bigger and heavily rooted.

so routine

I don't want to fall back into old habits.  And recently that's the conclusion I'm jumping to. Of course things are different and they have been perfect and amazing for a long time, but we are still co-existing amongst the same issues.  These aren't going to miraculously disappear or evaporate.  They creep up close to the surface time and time again and having to deal with it is so exhausting.  I want them gone.  

I feel bad for neglecting this safe place.  And worse for only turning here at my lowest.  The truth is the past month has been utter bliss and I have felt like the happiest girl in the world - it had been a while since I'd felt like myself.  Most nights I go to bed content and grateful for what I have now.

Nothing will change if nothing changes.  I have put my efforts in and it hasn't been easy.  I swallow my pride and accept that it is a two way street.  I have been selfish in the past and that wasn't fair.  At the same time, the process of delivering my thoughts and issues to you have been tired.  You can't make anyone do anything -  and you can't change people.  The only achievement is they will have carried out your request out of guilt or force and no one wins.  It is just hard because I know I can't make you do anything - I just want you to understand what I ask and you can decide for yourself. 

PS. The word 'trivial' remains irrelevant.

i need a sign

It all just felt so comfortable.  Different, refreshing, but comfortable.  I couldn't give two fucks what anyone else thought, all I want is to know exactly what you're thinking.  I'm torn between two points - both of which carry no less truth or significance than the other.  I suppose taking risks is not my forte but I have such a strong feeling about this.  Fear of failure is probably the one thing holding me back at the moment and I can't think of anything that will ease that restraint.

that's not me

I hate the person I'm slowly becoming.  I am constantly  harvesting an empty feeling inside me and I attempt to mask this by wearing my body out with alcohol, clubs, and the attention of insignificant males.  I awake at the end of each weekend in a pool of regret, self pity and shame.  My insides scream for mercy after what I put it through and  my external showcases nothing less of bruises and zombie-like traits.  

I am beginning to throw away all my values and strangling my mind with continuous torment.  These darks thoughts are reaching a shallow surface and a drastic change needs to be in motion to drown them back down.  Is this the person I am when I'm not with you ?  Or have I always wanted this and you were just a temporary door-stopper to extend my innocence ?