Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
#thingsihate
Having to decide what to wear before an event and realising an inevitable outfit repeat is required.
all my life
This insecurity has been harvested into my mind like a mine for as long as I can recall. And like a mine, there have been no major effects to date - until recently triggered. Despite carrying this with me everywhere, I suppose I have always forced myself to overlook what was so clear and I chose to ignore the signs and messages that people were sending me. The process of burying this shame as deep as possible began when I had decided none of that silliness mattered since I had people who loved me and I had learned to laugh off any sort of hurtful criticism. I guess I had manufactured that as my go-to defense mechanism.
I have always considered myself as a simple-minded, problem free person. I am always quite content with life. But I can't hide from this anymore - not when I know how hard it will hit me when another mine blows. Before last night, I believed "boy troubles" sat at the peak of possible heartaches - how unfortunately mistaken I was. Over the years, I had educated myself with a process concerning how to deal with heartache (regarding the male species); but this growing monster inside me is nothing of the sort, and I honestly have no experience in dealing with this kind of pain. What am I going to do ?
I have always considered myself as a simple-minded, problem free person. I am always quite content with life. But I can't hide from this anymore - not when I know how hard it will hit me when another mine blows. Before last night, I believed "boy troubles" sat at the peak of possible heartaches - how unfortunately mistaken I was. Over the years, I had educated myself with a process concerning how to deal with heartache (regarding the male species); but this growing monster inside me is nothing of the sort, and I honestly have no experience in dealing with this kind of pain. What am I going to do ?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
absence of thanksgiving
Too often we take everything life offers for granted. For the first time since I can remember, I can truthfully say I could not be happier with where I stand in life at the moment. I have suffered countless roadblocks, and I will admit it was somewhat my own fault for not overcoming - much less work around - these obstacles*. Looking back with hindsight, the arrival of this point could have been flawlessly achieved had I not let my mind linger on past experiences and subsequently create future scenarios.
Nevertheless, it has been a learning experience and I finally know the silly things that stand between me and happiness.
*Disclaimer - I can't say I have suffered any "real" problems to date.
Nevertheless, it has been a learning experience and I finally know the silly things that stand between me and happiness.
*Disclaimer - I can't say I have suffered any "real" problems to date.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
vce
You have provided me with some legit struggles these two years, but minimal stress was achieved in the end. Still, I am content.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
#thingsihate
People who only talk to you when they are bored or have nothing else "better" to do.
Don't bother talking to me if you're preoccupied - half-arsed conversations are irrelevant.
this is really awkward
I don't know how to bring it up with you, and at the same time I don't particularly want to discuss it either. I'm hoping it comes naturally. Blast over-analyzing. Hmphh
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
untitled
I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, my body is exhausted beyond, but I have so many thoughts on my mind. As pathetic and cheesy as this sounds, I have never been this content in so long. The presence of a dark feeling has forever lingered but I can honestly say it may really have evaporated. We were like a polar and non-polar substance - destined to never mix properly. But I have finally found myself a like substance; we can share covalent bonds ;)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
today
These things usually scare me and my standard response is to bail and run back to someone else. But this is different. You make me so happy, really.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
these dreams under my pillow
I love how the human brain works. How every single person will not fail to create scenarios in their mind, hope for them to occur in the near future, and then be inevitably disappointed when their expectations fall. I don't really know why we all do it. I suppose it is a means to make our heart feel warm and bubbly of what "could be" or "could happen" tomorrow. Even so, 99% of the time we create such situations, they are so planned out or unrealistic that it is almost impossible for it to become reality, and I guess we are all just setting ourselves up for disappointment.
I know I can't speak for others, but for me, personally, I thoroughly adore making up scenarios in my head right before I give myself up to sleep. I realise now that they are all useless and somewhat pathetic, but it is a manner in which I can create hope for myself. We all indulge in fiction through films or literature, so maybe the tailoring of these "scenarios" are our own way of imagining what our fairytale could be.
I know I can't speak for others, but for me, personally, I thoroughly adore making up scenarios in my head right before I give myself up to sleep. I realise now that they are all useless and somewhat pathetic, but it is a manner in which I can create hope for myself. We all indulge in fiction through films or literature, so maybe the tailoring of these "scenarios" are our own way of imagining what our fairytale could be.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
IM
I don't know if this was the first time its happened or just the first time I've consciously realised, but seeing your name pop up in the right hand corner of my screen when you log in puts me in a state of trance. As soon as I see your hateful name, I get flooded with flashbacks with all the things we used to do together. The endless chats and playful fighting bring warmth inside me. Then the other things, which I would rather not note down here. I make you sound like the most horrible person ever - but you're not at all, I guess we just didn't fit right and we both reacted badly after everything. I hope this is the last time I blog about you, but lets be honest, you're going to pop right back into my mind in the near future anyway. Just depends what you choose to do in there.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
this is no longer a safe place
My thoughts are spilling over the edges of my brain at the moment. I want to type them all right now and send them into the abyss of the internet - but I'm afraid you'll read this, and then I will most definitely get interrogated. Some things I just can't keep to myself at the moment, someone needs to hear this, but not anyone I know. So I'm sorry blog, I can no longer trust you with these things.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
why you?
When I think I have completely erased you, something as small as a glimpse of your name on an email can bring me right back to the start. I am going to say that I'm not fully held down by you anymore, but I'm not going to lie - you still have that tiniest string tied around me. One hard tug and I could potentially be all yours again. Please for my sake, I beg you not to move an inch.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
theoretical
You're someone that I can depend on. Someone that makes me feel better as soon as I see your face. Someone that I can totally be myself around and not be afraid to showcase how much of a freak I am. You make me laugh. You're someone that I am able to have tonnes of fun with.
You're someone I can see myself being with - really. Someone I'm not fearful to open my heart up to. Who are you, someone ?
You're someone I can see myself being with - really. Someone I'm not fearful to open my heart up to. Who are you, someone ?
Monday, August 22, 2011
untitled
Argh, get out of my brain before you reach my heart. I am supposed to have a boy-trouble free year ! I'd like to keep it this way please.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
this is legit
Seriously, I couldn't not blog about this !
I'm finally free from you, and I even tested myself last night. I listened to my "deathmix" which would usually send me into an abyss of sadness, crying myself to sleep - but instead when I put it on last night, it sent me straight to sleep. No feeling sorry for myself, no creating scenarios in my head, none of that.
I've finally reached a stage in my life where I can honestly say to my friends that I'm over you without feeling like I'm lying to them, because this time I'm really not.
I never thought this day would come; I'd convinced myself that I would forever be tied down by you. Don't get me wrong, you're a mad person and I don't ever want to lose your friendship - but that "extra" thing I had always had for you is now gone, and I will be forever grateful.
I know a part of me has died, and I'm definitely not feeling bad about it.
I'm finally free from you, and I even tested myself last night. I listened to my "deathmix" which would usually send me into an abyss of sadness, crying myself to sleep - but instead when I put it on last night, it sent me straight to sleep. No feeling sorry for myself, no creating scenarios in my head, none of that.
I've finally reached a stage in my life where I can honestly say to my friends that I'm over you without feeling like I'm lying to them, because this time I'm really not.
I never thought this day would come; I'd convinced myself that I would forever be tied down by you. Don't get me wrong, you're a mad person and I don't ever want to lose your friendship - but that "extra" thing I had always had for you is now gone, and I will be forever grateful.
I know a part of me has died, and I'm definitely not feeling bad about it.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
reminders
I hate the fact that you can suddenly pop into my mind through a scene of a film, a store in the city, and certain songs - obviously, and then consume me for the entire duration of the day. I'm supposed to be over you, and you're not meant to matter to me anymore. I had high ambitions.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
untitled
Whenever something funny happens, I want to text you. Then I remember you don't care anymore.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
free me
I honestly don't know what is it about you that holds this force I cannot pull away from. There are so many guys better than you in countless ways, but why can't I let you go ? That's the question I've been asking myself for 3 years now. Thinking of you only makes me feel more pathetic and worthless. I find myself in a self-loathing state every night since you decided to give me the cold shoulder. I thought we were making progress but obviously I've done something to make you shut me out. At the moment, if I could have one wish, it would be to erase you from my memory. I would return to the impressionable, naive girl that I was in Year 8. You've turned me into someone I hate - someone that is so cynical about relationships, she thinks they will all crumble into pieces - mirroring the state of my heart.
I feel so stupid and I get so incredibly angry at myself when I end up crying myself to sleep because my head is telling me you're not worth one drop of my tears. My heart and mind are in a constant battle with each other, waiting for a sign to wave the white flag. I guess you caught me at my most impressionable stage, so my vision of a relationship has been shaped by you. That is hardly correct. If I hadn't met you - I can't even finish that sentence.
I wish you would sink into the abyss of my heart. Only you were capable of creating such a gap in my soul - I hope you're pleased. I continually find myself falling into the trap of pondering "what if.." There are so many pathways and possibilities that I cannot even begin to fathom. Is this the person I have become? Someone that holds onto the past and envisions a dark future? I consider myself to be a reasonably optimistic person - yet when it comes to this area of discussion, I feel like my eyes have turned red, my heart resembles a lump of coal, and my body stiffens.
You've made this week unbearable for me, but I cannot put this blame only on you. It's my fault for being so ill-fated. You're going to be the death of my VCE and that is the last thing I want. I'm not going to force anything upon you and I have not a clue what you are thinking, but I really need you to let me go once and for all.
I feel so stupid and I get so incredibly angry at myself when I end up crying myself to sleep because my head is telling me you're not worth one drop of my tears. My heart and mind are in a constant battle with each other, waiting for a sign to wave the white flag. I guess you caught me at my most impressionable stage, so my vision of a relationship has been shaped by you. That is hardly correct. If I hadn't met you - I can't even finish that sentence.
I wish you would sink into the abyss of my heart. Only you were capable of creating such a gap in my soul - I hope you're pleased. I continually find myself falling into the trap of pondering "what if.." There are so many pathways and possibilities that I cannot even begin to fathom. Is this the person I have become? Someone that holds onto the past and envisions a dark future? I consider myself to be a reasonably optimistic person - yet when it comes to this area of discussion, I feel like my eyes have turned red, my heart resembles a lump of coal, and my body stiffens.
You've made this week unbearable for me, but I cannot put this blame only on you. It's my fault for being so ill-fated. You're going to be the death of my VCE and that is the last thing I want. I'm not going to force anything upon you and I have not a clue what you are thinking, but I really need you to let me go once and for all.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
hellcats
I thought this show would be generic and completely "teeny-boppery", but watching it has forced me to access thoughts that I wished wouldn't surface. There are so many things that I would rather forget, much less ignore. I hoped this year would entail hardcore study without distractions of the opposite sex, but my mind cannot help but gravitate towards these painful desires.
Yes, that does sound melodramatic, but I will tell you now that my heart is physically hurting after watching that episode.
So tell me now -- am I being silly ?
Yes, that does sound melodramatic, but I will tell you now that my heart is physically hurting after watching that episode.
So tell me now -- am I being silly ?
Friday, March 18, 2011
lui
You're my biggest emotional landmine. I heard that when you break up with someone, the amount of time it takes to get over them is half the amount of time you were together.
Therefore, by theory, we must have been together for 6+ years.
That, or I'm simply a pathetic, emotional wreck.
Therefore, by theory, we must have been together for 6+ years.
That, or I'm simply a pathetic, emotional wreck.
distraught
I'm not exactly sure why, but it's boggled my mind all day. It wasn't anything special or worth telling - but it definitely affected me in some way that I seriously cannot describe right at this moment. At least for today.
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