free me

I honestly don't know what is it about you that holds this force I cannot pull away from. There are so many guys better than you in countless ways, but why can't I let you go ? That's the question I've been asking myself for 3 years now. Thinking of you only makes me feel more pathetic and worthless. I find myself in a self-loathing state every night since you decided to give me the cold shoulder. I thought we were making progress but obviously I've done something to make you shut me out. At the moment, if I could have one wish, it would be to erase you from my memory. I would return to the impressionable, naive girl that I was in Year 8. You've turned me into someone I hate - someone that is so cynical about relationships, she thinks they will all crumble into pieces - mirroring the state of my heart.

I feel so stupid and I get so incredibly angry at myself when I end up crying myself to sleep because my head is telling me you're not worth one drop of my tears. My heart and mind are in a constant battle with each other, waiting for a sign to wave the white flag. I guess you caught me at my most impressionable stage, so my vision of a relationship has been shaped by you. That is hardly correct. If I hadn't met you - I can't even finish that sentence.

I wish you would sink into the abyss of my heart. Only you were capable of creating such a gap in my soul - I hope you're pleased. I continually find myself falling into the trap of pondering "what if.." There are so many pathways and possibilities that I cannot even begin to fathom. Is this the person I have become? Someone that holds onto the past and envisions a dark future? I consider myself to be a reasonably optimistic person - yet when it comes to this area of discussion, I feel like my eyes have turned red, my heart resembles a lump of coal, and my body stiffens.

You've made this week unbearable for me, but I cannot put this blame only on you. It's my fault for being so ill-fated. You're going to be the death of my VCE and that is the last thing I want. I'm not going to force anything upon you and I have not a clue what you are thinking, but I really need you to let me go once and for all.