This insecurity has been harvested into my mind like a mine for as long as I can recall. And like a mine, there have been no major effects to date - until recently triggered. Despite carrying this with me everywhere, I suppose I have always forced myself to overlook what was so clear and I chose to ignore the signs and messages that people were sending me. The process of burying this shame as deep as possible began when I had decided none of that silliness mattered since I had people who loved me and I had learned to laugh off any sort of hurtful criticism. I guess I had manufactured that as my go-to defense mechanism.
I have always considered myself as a simple-minded, problem free person. I am always quite content with life. But I can't hide from this anymore - not when I know how hard it will hit me when another mine blows. Before last night, I believed "boy troubles" sat at the peak of possible heartaches - how unfortunately mistaken I was. Over the years, I had educated myself with a process concerning how to deal with heartache (regarding the male species); but this growing monster inside me is nothing of the sort, and I honestly have no experience in dealing with this kind of pain. What am I going to do ?
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