you should know

I'm more sensitive than I lead on to be, and I hate that.

cuntfuck

FUCKING JUST LEAVE, YOU FUCK !

untitled

So much respect lost.  It's all going downhill and there isn't much I can do to stop it.  It's time to round up my thoughts.

untitled

Why did you have to ask me that last night ? I don't want those thoughts in my head, I have enough people planting seeds of doubt in me.  

Him

I have most definitely lost touch with You these past years, and it has changed me.  I'm not too sure if I admire the person I am becoming.  I need You to start guiding me again and I'm sorry for neglecting You.  When I need something resolved or I'm consumed with unfavourable emotions, it is You that I will turn to.

like, what the fuck

I can't even unleash the full extent of how annoyed I am.

time jump

One hour, that's all it was.  4:13am-5:08am
--just comfortable

1:12am

When I got woken up by your call, it was different.  Yes, it instantly brought me back to the old days, but it wasn't the same.  I wasn't under your spell, and I didn't let myself stay up for you.  Obviously I miss having late night phone calls, but you're not my person anymore.

all the fucking time

Is this what it's supposed to feel like ?  I can't shape this into words without sounding like a lame motherfucker. I don't remember it being like this, so what does that mean ? In a rocket launch, this would be when it'd be safe to abort mission before getting stuck in a space you can't escape.  I just don't trust myself with these feelings.  I'm constantly battling a do or don't do scenario in my head.  Like, if I let myself be consumed, I will most likely exit the other end more fucked than ever.  I'm aware that we're always supposed to be "taking chances" or whatever stupid crap everyone else is preaching; but my track record isn't exactly an encouraging prompt.  I don't mean to always sound like this cynical whore but I'm sick of putting my everything into it and getting fucked up the ass.  Four years ago this whole deal seemed ten times more blissful and I didn't have to dissect a situation from a million different angles.  I'm not really sure what the point of this post was, I suppose these rogue thoughts were spilling over the edges of my mind and I just needed them out.  Here's something we can all have a small think about: 
how different would I be had I not..

its happening again

“I love you. Oh God… Oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face. I love you. I just…I did it again. I love you. I do. I just, I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it and… Jackson is a great guy. He is. He’s gorgeous and he’s younger than you, he doesn’t have any grandkids, or babies with his lesbian BFFs, and he’s an Avery, and he liked me, you know? He really liked me. But it was never gonna work out, because I love you. I am so in love with you. You’re in me. You’re like— it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I am infected by Mark Sloan and I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you. God, that feels good to just say that. I feel so much better. I love you.” 

— Lexie Grey - Grey’s Anatomy

no one will ever know

Now that that has been done, vulnerability has cast over me and I suppose I will just have to push through.  It's probably time I take a risk anyway.

omfg

A flood of memorise just came rushing through.  Like, I can't even explain it right now.  Two words, that's all it took. 

slowly

I think we might be drifting apart.