Thursday, December 13, 2012

sick feeling

I can't think of anything worse at the moment.  I would choose to have my wallet stolen ten times over again than to feel like this.  I am so incredibly sorry and I never intended for it to end like this but I knew the moment the thought was seeded in my brain, I had to take action.  I can't imagine how you are feeling but it is just as hard for me.  It's not like my feelings for you have miraculously dissolved into an abyss of emptiness.  Nothing has changed for me except for my status.  I kept playing the scenario in my head and convincing myself that it wasn't going to be that bad, but when today came, I felt like throwing up and even sleep couldn't cure me.  I tried to talk myself out of it the whole time but I knew I had to suck it up and just follow through with it.  Not only would it have been unfair on you but I would be lying to myself.  

I'm well aware that I'm going to have some adjustment to get used to, but it will get better in time.  I am hopeful that one day you will forgive me and we can talk again but I'm prepared to give you as much time as you need.  It is the least I can do.  

You're still going to be the first and last thing that enters my mind each day.  I'm still going to want to text you every little interesting or stupid thing that happens in my day - but I know I can't.  I love you and I am so sorry.  Please let this longing pass so I can let you go.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

constant headache

I have been overwhelmed with exhaustion this past month - both physically and emotionally.  I hate the person that I am when I turn to vent on this blog.  I'm sorry that this place only receives me at my most bitter and worst.  Trust me, I am usually a much happier person.  But there is a certain extent that the people around me can handle before they are sick of everything I say to them.  I love you all for being so understanding and supportive but you guys honestly haven't heard the half of it.  The worst I keep inside me and I can't even bring myself to type it out here for you.  

I don't want to sound like an ungrateful bitch because I really do appreciate everything you have done for me.  I feel blessed that He has placed me on a path with you, and he has undoubtedly planted obstacles that we've had to overcome.  I'm just wondering if this is another test or are we close to the finishing of His game.  I remain hopeful for all good things.  

I'm not even going to call this a "problem", because its not.  Its a dot when placed in perspective.  But in saying that, that dot isn't just going to erase itself.  Its still going to remain well and truly present until one of us - namely me - gets over their shit and hashes it out.  I want to, I really do.  But you have no idea how silly, selfish and pathetic I feel even thinking about it.  Everyone else has reassured me that it is a legitimate issue but my gut feeling has been signalling me to steer clear of that discussion regardless.  Look, it could all come down to a matter of miscommunication, context, and other little excuses but we're obviously not going to know until I step up.  Maybe after exams.

Monday, October 8, 2012

ZARA

Life is just so pleasant at the moment.  I've finally rid myself of the chicken grease and I've stepped foot into the retail world.  My first shift felt like home, I could honestly say I was in heaven.  There is nothing more I could ask for in this aspect, I can't wait for the Doncaster store to open so I can whore myself out to the store.  
Goodbye social life; hello clothes, shopaholics and dosh.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

#whatineedrightnow

  • to visit Central Park
  • sunnier mornings
  • to breathe
  • to rationalise
  • and stop making excuses for people
  • to escape

Sunday, September 9, 2012

#thingstolookforwardto

  • getting a tan
  • receiving my ASOS order
  • more piercings !
  • finishing semester 2
  • road trip with the chem crew

finally sinking in

I'm embarrassed to say how long this has taken.  How long and what it took for you to show your true colours.  I chose to ignore and doubted what all my closest family and friends were telling me.  
"He's a dick" 
"He can't be trusted" 
"He only wants one thing from you"
"He's a sneaky cunt"
"You can't be friends"
"You're only going to get hurt in the end, there's no point falling back into that trap"
"Fine, go and see him, you need to get hurt to learn"
You were all right.  Thankfully, I was not hurt in the process, but I've gained a wider understanding of who he is.  Hopefully this new-found information will fuel my strength and stay away for good. I don't need you.  I don't know why I ever thought to keep you in my life.  There was never any considerable net-gain.  I loathe the fact that you were the person I ran to in the midst of loneliness and at times, boredom.  But I've learnt my lesson, and I'm not afraid to cut our ties - which should have been done years ago.  You were the dark hole that too often sucked me in, and you can be sure that I'm never coming back to you.  Ever.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

spring

I'm exhausted.  I feel like shit every day.  Constantly holding on to my breath, deep sighs, lost in an abyss of thought.  But a new season has rolled over and I'm anticipating flowers;  and sunny mornings, and more colour on my skin.  Spring is going to bring me hope.  I need to slap out of whatever I'm currently stuck in.  It's going to be a slow process, but I'm determined that this year will be the year I feel good about myself.  There is no reason not to.  I'm going to try so hard to destroy this void inside me.

Monday, August 20, 2012

august

Things are pretty shit, but living here at my aunt's has put a lot into perspective for me.  I have a bottomless pit if #whitegalproblems, and I just need to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.  There are worse things happening.  But I have finally reached fulfilment - I can honestly say I don't have any petty complaints at this moment.  Things are looking up and I'm enjoying all my surroundings.  It has seriously taken a while, and a large chunk of this year has been pretty poor, but perhaps I've roughed the storm and only lovely things will come now.

*I learned to dodge your bullet that you had so often targeted me with in the past.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

you're not

It's coming to a point where it's just not enough.  I find myself constantly making excuses to myself for you and I'm so tired of waiting; waiting for change.   There will be a small window of change that occurs but then shortly, I'm brought back to reality.  I'm hopeful, but hope will only get us so far.  And I'm afraid of what may happen when I tire out.  My mind is exhausted from overthinking every single day.  I lie awake in bed, my mind jumping from one thought to another, and it all goes downhill from there.  I'm sick of it, I don't need anything else fuelling my negative thoughts.  I can't keep going on like this.  

Monday, July 30, 2012

untitled

I don't believe those words you say to me.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Thursday, July 19, 2012

C

Thank you so so much for that chat lovely, you've made me feel a hundred times better.  I know I'm always doubting myself and my actions, but discussing these things with you makes me feel normal again.  I never have to worry about you judging me, and I know I can trust you with everything.  You have not the slightest clue how much I miss you, how much I miss seeing you every single day, and how I long the days when I could simply run up to you with a #whitegalproblem and we'd chat in depth about it.  You always understood the way my mind functions, despite how silly most of the things that come out of my mouth sound.  I haven't let myself fathom how different it will be (even more) with you gone for months.  You're just ah-mah-zing, and I love you for that :)

without fail

Something bad always happens to me.  I'm just waiting for the bullet to hit me already.  The anticipation is killing me.  

C

I don't actually think you understand how much I need you.  Like I know I can be somewhat hard to handle sometimes, but you mean so much to me.  I'm not a naturally affectionate person so I find it difficult to outwardly display my emotions, but just know that you are constantly on my mind.  I hate the fact that I, amongst a bunch of other people, cannot help but dissect every little situation in my head and over-analysing is a by-product of it all.  I definitely wouldn't classify myself as a dependant person, but you need to be here.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

untitled

A fat FUCK YOU to you.

Friday, July 6, 2012

untitled

One day, its just not going to be enough.  What are we going to do then ?

Saturday, June 30, 2012

i know this sounds silly

And I shouldn't second guess myself, but sometimes it just seems like you don't really care.  Like, of course I am aware that you do, but I mean in on a deeper level.  There is this thing that I really want to tell you, but I just don't know how you'd take it.  But at the same time, its something I should be sharing with you.  Its like, certain things that I believe should frustrate you or whatever, just doesn't.  And I don't know if they really don't bother you or you're just saying it, so I just let it go and assume there is no problem with what I'm doing.  These are two different things that I'm talking about, and I know that no one else will understand, but the latter scenario forms a basis of how I think you think. I don't actually know how to better illustrate this situation so I'm just going to stop typing here.

Friday, June 29, 2012

cuntfuck

There is no quantifiable amount of hatred I have towards you.  Frustration and anger are no longer suitable emotions.  Please, for us, just  leave and never come back.  Can you not see the damage and destruction in which you have left in your path ?  She can't escape you, she just can't.  She should know better, but with you she is helpless.  You are a lost cause and no matter which lies you choose to pull out of your arse, nothing will change because you, are a cunt.  I beg of you to do us all a favour and FUCKING LEAVE !  

Sunday, June 17, 2012

untitled

I miss the way you used to make me feel.  It's not supposed to be like this.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

untitled

Omg the things I would do for a YSL ring.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Monday, June 11, 2012

shared dream block

You were both in it. What does that mean ?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

yt/luke

The Five Love Languages:
  • acts of services
  • quality time
  • words of affirmation
  • gifts
  • physical touch

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

friend

There is so much we don't know about each other.  I have only been dealing with this issue recently and there is so much rage and frustration that I have to learn to redirect.  I am so incredibly humbled by your thoughts and actions.  I can only imagine how hard it has been and how hard it will be for my --.  There is a whole other side to you that I never knew and I'm glad you opened up to me.

#whatineedrightnow

  • to go shopping and find the most amazing pair of ponte leggings
  • to find the motivation to actually sit down and do some solid studying for my exams
  • to vacuum the house
  • to see you, because I miss you
  • to be cuddled by you
  • to stop watching Friends
  • but also to catch up on MChef

Thursday, May 31, 2012

you should know

I'm more sensitive than I lead on to be, and I hate that.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

cuntfuck

FUCKING JUST LEAVE, YOU FUCK !

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

untitled

So much respect lost.  It's all going downhill and there isn't much I can do to stop it.  It's time to round up my thoughts.

Monday, May 28, 2012

untitled

Why did you have to ask me that last night ? I don't want those thoughts in my head, I have enough people planting seeds of doubt in me.  

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Him

I have most definitely lost touch with You these past years, and it has changed me.  I'm not too sure if I admire the person I am becoming.  I need You to start guiding me again and I'm sorry for neglecting You.  When I need something resolved or I'm consumed with unfavourable emotions, it is You that I will turn to.

like, what the fuck

I can't even unleash the full extent of how annoyed I am.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

time jump

One hour, that's all it was.  4:13am-5:08am
--just comfortable

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

1:12am

When I got woken up by your call, it was different.  Yes, it instantly brought me back to the old days, but it wasn't the same.  I wasn't under your spell, and I didn't let myself stay up for you.  Obviously I miss having late night phone calls, but you're not my person anymore.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

all the fucking time

Is this what it's supposed to feel like ?  I can't shape this into words without sounding like a lame motherfucker. I don't remember it being like this, so what does that mean ? In a rocket launch, this would be when it'd be safe to abort mission before getting stuck in a space you can't escape.  I just don't trust myself with these feelings.  I'm constantly battling a do or don't do scenario in my head.  Like, if I let myself be consumed, I will most likely exit the other end more fucked than ever.  I'm aware that we're always supposed to be "taking chances" or whatever stupid crap everyone else is preaching; but my track record isn't exactly an encouraging prompt.  I don't mean to always sound like this cynical whore but I'm sick of putting my everything into it and getting fucked up the ass.  Four years ago this whole deal seemed ten times more blissful and I didn't have to dissect a situation from a million different angles.  I'm not really sure what the point of this post was, I suppose these rogue thoughts were spilling over the edges of my mind and I just needed them out.  Here's something we can all have a small think about: 
how different would I be had I not..

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

its happening again

“I love you. Oh God… Oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face. I love you. I just…I did it again. I love you. I do. I just, I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it and… Jackson is a great guy. He is. He’s gorgeous and he’s younger than you, he doesn’t have any grandkids, or babies with his lesbian BFFs, and he’s an Avery, and he liked me, you know? He really liked me. But it was never gonna work out, because I love you. I am so in love with you. You’re in me. You’re like— it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I am infected by Mark Sloan and I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you. God, that feels good to just say that. I feel so much better. I love you.” 
— Lexie Grey - Grey’s Anatomy

Sunday, May 6, 2012

no one will ever know

Now that that has been done, vulnerability has cast over me and I suppose I will just have to push through.  It's probably time I take a risk anyway.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

omfg

A flood of memorise just came rushing through.  Like, I can't even explain it right now.  Two words, that's all it took. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

slowly

I think we might be drifting apart.

Monday, April 30, 2012

#thingsihate

  • Leaving things to the last minute but I do it anyway
  • Bloating like a mother ef
  • Expectations
  • Not knowing how I feel 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

untitled

I just don't like people.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

untitled

I never realised how hard it is to hold on to happiness.  There is always one obstacle that you must overcome.  When you finally think you've got it all figured out, another missile of a problem is targeted on you and it becomes your focal point.  Is it that difficult for us to remain in a blissful state ?  Aim your darkness elsewhere.

Monday, April 23, 2012

new eyes

For the first time in ages, I'm viewing my life as something besides trash and perhaps a project worth working for.  Optimism is coming far more naturally and pessimistic thoughts are kept to a minimum.  Everything seems to be sitting in its rightful place and I can truly move forwards for once.  Aside from small tweaks, I don't want anything to change.  Just let me have my peace for a little while longer, please ?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

home dawwwwwgs

Love meeting new azns, they just all get me and I never cease to have fun around you guys.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

untitled

He used to constantly make me feel crap about myself and cause me to second guess everything I did. I don't need it from you too.

433am

I have missed texting at this hour. I thrive on this time of night.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

go away

I don't enjoy this feeling at all. Vanish please.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

john mayer

Only your music can evoke such painful memories for me. Although at the same time, I can't seem to get enough of you. I could sit here absorbing every lyric, harmony, and beat and let my thoughts run aimlessly in my head for hours. One day, I hope your songs could redirect me to someone else instead of him. I think we could be ever so slowly getting there. But for now, I will let your music continue to send shivers through my body.

what is this feeling

So sudden and new.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

don't tell me

I'm finding it really hard.

Monday, April 2, 2012

untitled

You're constantly on my mind, and I don't know if this is normal. Am I on yours ?

#TM2012

I had such a blast, definitely a weekend to remember and I'm so happy to have spent it with all my favourite people. There was not one dull moment and my abs have had a good workout from all the laughing. You guys are practically family now. See ya'll next year :)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

in sum

..content with life right now, and I'm finally feeling like myself again. It would be nice if everything just stayed as is, but we all know that's not going to happen.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

untitled

Things feel different, good different though.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

right now

It's becoming so difficult to just smile and laugh it off; running away seems like the easiest option.

Monday, March 19, 2012

stfu

Like, fuck you. I don't deserve any of this shit.

Friday, March 16, 2012

finally

I haven't felt this delightful in so long. Things are looking up.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

wise men

I should probably listen to the advice I so frequently receive. But the two groups stand on polar ends of the scale, which makes things a little difficult for me. Still, they all just want me to be happy; sometimes I fear I don't know how to be anymore.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

2012

I need to remember that I'm still a full time student and should probably invest more time in actually studying. I am really enjoying the independence that university life offers but it isn't an excuse to party all week(end) and neglect the books. I can honestly say I don't miss high school.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

february

I hate how cynical my thoughts can be, but it's not my fault that I've turned out this way. I used to be so naive, so easy to please, and extremely hopeful for what bright futures I would find myself in. Now I am certain nothing lasts forever, and shit happens. I'd prefer to save myself the disappointment and abstain from future planning.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

A

So glad to have you in my life. You keep me grounded and actually find solutions to my problems.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

three quarters of the way

I'm almost there; I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

it's growing

You make me all tingly inside. Good things never last for me, what if I finally give in and get owned ?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

untitled

Wish I was back in France right now.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

too real

I'm exploring this pathway blind and I'm so scared. The last time I gave myself up completely resulted poorly and I don't think I'm prepared to sacrifice another four years of my life. I just need time.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

im afraid i may not be strong enough to handle this

I want to scream at you, I want to fuck you up so hard, you can no longer function on this earth. The amount of pain and heartache you have evoked. I know they say ignorance is bliss, but fuck you - if murder wasn't a crime I would run a stake through you myself and chop you into several, indistinguishable pieces. This is all so surreal, it is the shit I witness in TV shows, I shouldn't have to experience it myself.

My mind has been on overdrive this past week and these dark thoughts will only grow stronger. I feel like this lump in my throat will never go away and I'm in a constant battle with myself to pull it together; there is no use in breaking down.

Two weeks ago, you were my biggest problem on hand. Put in perspective, they were so petty and pathetic. I couldn't give two fucks less now, I have much more significant things to cloud my mind with. I want so badly to talk about this with you, but I know better than to burden you. I'm trying my hardest to remain strong but I fear bitterness is the price I'm paying in order to hold this emotional fort.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

mixed feelings

There are good days, and then there are bad days. I'm afraid the contents of my dreams are a message my subconscious is sending me. Or maybe I'm just run down and my mind is resorting to old habits. It freaks me out knowing that there is a small vault in my memory bank that is slowly leaking scenarios which I would much prefer to keep caged. It breaks my heart to think that ...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

hey you

I really really like you :) ..but you should already know that

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

just between you and me

I know it was wrong, but I don't regret doing it. I feel like I'm a completely different person since we met and I like to be reassured that I haven't changed that much. Regardless, it was nice talking.

Monday, January 23, 2012

untitled

It has taken me a week to admit this: I'm quite unhappy.

Friday, January 20, 2012

untitled

As I received the news, my body instantly stiffened, blood was pumping through my body like a mother ef and all my mind could accommodate for were thoughts on you. In a blink of an eye, countless scenarios rushed in and out of my brain. My mind was trapped in a room which only you held access to. In those small moments..

someone once told me

If he wants you, he'll travel across river, sea, ocean and he'll be there for you.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

poo you

These kinds of thoughts shouldn't be creeping up on me so frequently. You're making me second guess myself.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

you guys make my summer

I actually can't believe how comfortable I am around all of you. I can say, eat, sit, grunt, look however I please around you. You all make me laugh to a point where I think I may go into cardiac arrest. You al reassured me about my "silly" insecurities and I was able to just relax those past three days. Thank you for giving me such a delightful holiday :)

Sunday, January 8, 2012

untitled

Omg leave, now.

split second

I absolutely hate it when you pop into my mind like that. And the scary thing is that your appearance today was for a positive note.

Re: C

I love you to the world and back, don't you ever doubt that. When those seven months are over, I will still be here, the same person who will update you on everything (literally), who will laugh at the silliest things you point out to me, and I will be here to reassure you that not only me, but everyone else adores you. I honestly am not too sure how I will survive those seven months without you, but I will remind myself that you're having the best time over there and it is something you need.

You are like a sister to me; nothing will change when you get back - maybe just an influx of stories that I will be dying to hear.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

that's cute

“We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into
mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
Robert Fulghum

the good

J'ai aimé quand tu m'as appelé chaque nuit et nous pouvions parler pour des heures. Quelque fois, celle me manque.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

#thingsihate

Overthinking things like a mother ef.